Nasty Lynn-Sagna
by Agent of LIGHT
Summary: Lynn Sr. and his boss think they murdered the health inspector, so they do everything they can to avoid getting caught. Based on the Spongebob Squarepants episode "Nasty Patty".


**Hey everyone, Agent of LIGHT here.**

**Here I present my first official Loud House fanfic. It's a parody of the Spongebob episode "Nasty Patty". I took this idea after I saw a drawing of Lynn Sr. and Sergei burying the body of a man who might be the health inspector. This story will start from that. This one-shot takes place after "Job Insecurity".**

**Rated T for cussing.**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Loud House or Spongebob. They both belong to Nickelodeon and Viacom.

* * *

It is a cloudy overcast over the small town of Royal Woods, Michigan. The rain pours down as an aerial bombardment of waterfalls for as far as the eye could see. There was almost no one in sight on the streets, as people didn't want to get wet from the rain. Even if they have umbrellas, they still get drenched due to the wind being so strong that it would rip them out of their cold and slickened hands.

It is the perfect time to stay at home and feel the warmth of the chimney while drinking hot chocolate.

The same can be said for the Loud House, which is located in Franklin Avenue 1216. Inside that house there is usually a pandemonium caused by eleven people, ten girls and one boy. But on this rainy day, almost all of the siblings are just sitting on the couch covered in a giant blanket.

Lincoln Loud can be seen inside his room, reading his comics in his pajamas. While reading it, he looks up and sees the audience.

"Hey there. It's a dark and stormy night out there, perfect to be at home, feeling all comfy and warm." Lincoln narrates "It's nights like these that remind me of the time my dad and his boss thought they killed the health inspector. It was a bright and sunny morning that day."

* * *

_A few weeks ago..._

We see the Aloha Comrade restaurant, a mixture between a Hawaiian straw house and Saint Basil's Cathedral. It had been a week since Lynn Loud Sr., the patriarch of the Loud family, got a job here, at first as a dishwasher, only to get quickly promoted to chef by the head chef Sergei Lagunov.

Outside, a fancy-dressed man with a bowler hat drives up and stops in front of the restaurant. The scene zooms into his badge that reads 'Health Inspector'.

Inside, Sergei is counting dollar bills, but stops when he smells something "Ah...That smells like..." he gasps "The health inspector!"

He rushes to the kitchen, where Lynn Sr. is preparing food "Wash your hands, clean the floors, change your underwear! The health inspector's here!" he exclaims, which makes his chef stop cooking. He and Lynn Sr. look out the kitchen window, and see how the inspector is observing the establishment and writing down on his clipboard. "If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good. We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes Aloha Comrade!" Sergei says worried.

"But Sergei, there's no need to worry." Lynn Sr. assures "Aloha Comrade is the most perfect place in Royal Woods." He says in a dreamy tone.

Needless to say, Sergei is not amused by his employee's enthusiasm "You really need to lay off the fairy tales you tell your daughter in pink, comrade Lynn" he says in a deadpan tone. He pushes Lynn Sr. out of the kitchen. "Just go out there and give him what he needs. Pour on the charm. Sweet talk him."

Lynn Sr. goes up to the inspector who's at a table still writing on his clipboard. "What can I get for you, handsome?" he asks trying to flatter him.

Sergei slaps his forehead. "We're doomed!"

"I'm gonna need you to bring me one of everything on the menu." The inspector says as he looks at his clipboard.

Lynn Sr. starts walking backwards back into the kitchen "Excellent choice, my man. Coming right up!" he compliments, until he enters and faces his boss "He wants one of everything."

"Then we'll give him a smorgasbord." Sergei says as he holds out a tray with different dishes. "The future of Aloha Comrade is at stake!"

Lynn Sr. and Sergei run back to the health inspector and bring all the dishes.

"Try the Bacon-Roquefort salad, sir." Lynn Sr. offers as he stuffs it in the inspector's mouth.

"The Kona-Caviar sandwiches are a touch of Heaven" Sergei offers as he, too, stuffs in the inspector's mouth.

"The Humuhumunukunukuapua'a borscht is exquisite." Lynn Sr. offers as he stuffs the borscht in the inspector's mouth, making it easier for him to swallow what he just ate.

"Ukha-Lomi salmon soup?"

"Loco moco with kasha?"

"Roasted pig Pelmeni?"

"Gentlemen, please!" The health inspector exclaims, but due to his mouth being overly stuffed, it comes off muffled. Taking a glass of water, he drinks it and starts swallowing the food slowly. "Let me finish my work in peace." He says sternly as he clicks his pen, which is actually a fork that comes out.

* * *

Soon, the health inspector has eaten everything on the menu and looks stuffed. He lets out a belch contently.

Lynn Sr. comes over to him. "And did the voluptuous inspector enjoy his meal?" he asks.

The inspector gets up and turns serious "So far, so good." he says as he writes on his clipboard. "I just need to try a plain Lynn-sagna, and my inspection will be finished."

Lynn Sr. goes back into the kitchen where Sergei is waiting. "He says if he gets one more Lynn-sagna, he'll pass us for the inspection."

His boss takes him by the shoulders "Do you know what this means, comrade Lynn? We're in the clear!" he exclaims in excitement. Both dance off, then leapfrog over each other across the screen, and finally they do the Russian dance.

Suddenly, the news reporter is heard on the TV. "_We interrupt this victory dance for a special news bulletin. Be on the lookout for a man who's passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food. That's all for now._"

Sergei and Lynn Sr. can only stare in silence as they process this information. Had they been attending an impostor this whole time?

Sergei got furious when he heard this, narrowing his eyes as his ears let out steam. "**FREE FOOD?!**" he bellows in absolute rage. No way would he allow that mooch to steal their food and not pay!

"Maybe we should tell our guy about the phony imposter?" Lynn Sr. says pointing at the health inspector.

Sergei glares at him "Don't you see, you Сукинсын?**(1)**. **He** is the imposter! We've been duped!"

"Duped!" Lynn Sr. gasps.

"Bamboozled!"

"We've been smeckledorfed!

"That's not even a word, and I agree with ya!" Sergei concludes. Both look through the kitchen window and they glare at the the health inspector, who is drinking his beverage, "Look at him. I bet he's a member of ISIS."

"I bet he has Mafia ties." Lynn Sr. says as he sees the inspector finish his drink and start using a toothpick.

"I bet his mother bought him that hat." Sergei gets out a Lynn-sagna_ "_If that imposter wants a Lynn-sagna, then by God, we'll give him one **hell** of a Lynn-sagna!" He gets a bottle of hot sauce and pours it on the dish_ "_You're dancing with the Krampus now! Join me, comrade, or you're fired!"

"It doesn't seem right." Lynn Sr. says as he hesitates, but then he puts on a devious smile and holds up a bottle of horseradish. "But it feels so good! Horseradish, the gnarliest stuff in the world!" he exclaims as he pours some of the stuff on the lasagna, while the sound of a horse neighing can be heard.

"Ohh, hold on, I've got a ton of toenail clippings in my office! Sergei exclaims as he runs off.

Next, Lynn Sr. drops the dish in dirty mop water. "Oops, I "accidentally" dropped it in the mop water!"

Sergei whips out his dirty boxers "Well, fish it out, and I'll dry it with my underwear!"

* * *

A few moments later, the Lynn-sagna was finished. It looks more expired now, with what appears to be pimples and green meat. In fact, it looks so bad that not even Lana would dare to eat it.

"Why, that's the most diabolical dish ever spawned!" Sergei says. Both are wearing clothespins on their noses.

"I'll call it "The Nasty Lynn-sagna." Lynn Sr. says as they both laugh.

The health inspector is still waiting for his last meal. "Hey, hurry up with that Lynn-sagna!" he exclaims impatiently.

Lynn Sr. brings him the dish, barely containing his laughter. "Here you go, sir. Enjoy." He runs off.

"Ah, hello, delicious. Come to papa." The inspector says as he cuts a piece and is about to eat the Lynn-sagna but a fly, which had been attracted to the foul smell, goes into his mouth and he chokes, causing him to drop the food. Lynn Sr. and Sergei are sitting under the kitchen window as they hear choking sounds.

"Listen, he ate it!" Sergei exclaims as he looks out the window. "Look at him choke!" he laughs. Lynn Sr. looks and they laugh at the poor man. "Look at him suffer!" Sergei exclaims as the man continues to choke. Sergei and Lynn Sr. get back under the window laughing. "Did you see that comrade? The look on his face!"

The health inspector gets up and he slips on the lasagna, which causes him to fall backwards on the table. He lays down on the floor, unconscious. The fly comes out of his mouth.

Lynn Sr. and Sergei continue laughing. Then the news reporter is on again. "_We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this newsflash. The fake inspector has just been captured at Giovanni-Chang's. Here's his picture._" A picture of the real imposter is shown. He looks like a criminal. "_If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real._"

Once the report ends, both men stare in shock at what they just heard. For the next few moments, none of them said a thing, still trying to process this new information.

Which begs the question: if the fake health inspector was captured, does that mean the man in their restaurant was the actual health inspector?

Uh Oh.

"Phew!" Lynn Sr. says relieved. "That's a relief, eh Sergei? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it."

Sergei looked out the window and gasps. "I don't think he'll be laughing, Comrade Lynn!"

"Why not?" Lynn Sr. asks as he looks up.

"Because that lasagna killed him!" Sergei exclaims in fear as they stare at the unconscious inspector, still covered in the rests of the lasagna.

Lynn Sr. and Sergei scream in horror.

"Sergei, we're gonna go to jail for murdering an innocent man!" Lynn Sr. yells in fear.

"What do you mean "we"?" Sergei exclaims, refusing to admit his part in the crime "You're the one who gave him the lasagna! Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!"

Lynn looks shocked, then turns angry "What?! But it was **your** idea to make the dish!"

"Well, you could've talked me out of it!" Sergei replies, still refusing to take the blame, but Lynn Sr. wouldn't have it.

"I would have, but you threatened to fire me! But what does it matter? My life is ruined because of you, Sergei!" he exclaims at his boss, then turns fearful "I'll never survive in prison; they'll mop up the floor with me! What am I gonna tell my wife and kids?!"

Sergei grabs him "Get a hold of yourself, comrade! We've got to get rid of this body before anyone sees it! We've got to take it out and bury it!"

* * *

The two men head to the cemetery. Sergei has a shovel and Lynn Sr. is dragging the unconscious body. The latter is obviously not enjoying having to carry a dead body.

"Eww, gross, germs, it's all icky and corpse-y!" he exclaims, gagging and shrieking while constantly spraying it with disinfectant. He then pulls out a tissue box to pull a tissue and drag the body with it "Eww... I can't believe i've lowered myself to this. I became a criminal. How am I going to explain this to my family?"

Sergei raises his hand to shut him up "Wait, there's two people out there."

Lynn Sr. looks where his boss is pointing. He can see Lucy at another part of the cemetery, looking at a tombstone. She is accompanied by a Goth boy who appears to have her same age.

"It's my daughter Lucy, but who's that kid she's with?" Lynn Sr. says as he stares at the scene.

Sergei gasps "It's my son Silas!"

"You didn't tell me you had a son."

"I keep my professional and personal lives apart, comrade. But more importantly, we can't let them find out about the dead body!" he panics.

A light bulb appears on Lynn Sr.'s head "I have an idea. Why don't we go bury the body somewhere far from here? There's a chance Lucy and Silas might find the body here. She has this spell that allows her to see corpses when they're buried."

Sergei stares at Lynn Sr. "Your daughter sure is creepy. She and Silas are made for each other. Anyway, let's move!"

The two men head farther away somewhere as it begins to get dark outside. Sergei has a lantern and shovel while Lynn Sr. is dragging the health inspector's body.

Sergei gets to the top of a hill "This should be far enough. Now get digging!" he orders as he hands Lynn the shovel.

"Yes sir." The Loud patriarch nods as he begins digging, but then stops when a clang is heard.

"What's the holdup?" the Russian man asks impatiently.

Lynn Sr. gets up to face his boss "There's a big rock in the way!"

"Well, toss it up and then get back to digging!"

"Yes sir!" Lynn Sr. salutes as he uses his strength to pick up the rock. He grunts as he tosses the rock out.

Below them, the health inspector wakes up and starts rubbing his head "Ooh, where am I?" The big rock hits him in the head, and he becomes unconscious again. He groans in pain.

* * *

An hour later, Sergei and Lynn Sr. have finished digging up the corpse.

Well, almost.

"Something ain't quite right." Sergei says.

"What do you mean, Sergei?" Lynn Sr. asks as it is shown that the health inspector wasn't completely buried, as his head was still out.

"His head's sticking out!" Sergei points out.

"Sorry Sergei, I thought he might need some air." Lynn Sr. says sheepishly as he buries the inspector's head.

"They don't need air where he's going." Sergei remarks uncaringly as he begins to walk off. Lynn Sr. follows.

"Shouldn't we say a few words on his behalf?" the taller man asks.

Sergei struggles to come up with something "Uh, he was a credit to health inspectors everywhere and, uh-" he is cut off when his employee starts crying.

"What a brave man, going in the line of duty like that! Why...why...why?!" he cries.

Sergei, having had enough of Lynn Sr.'s crying, grabs him by the arm "Listen here, you little mudak. No one, and I mean **no one** can ever know about this. Not even your family. If word of this comes to light, it'll be the end of you. And worst of all, it'll be the end of **me**!" **(2)**

Suddenly, a light is shining on them, and they turn to see, to their shock, two police officers, a male and a female, in a police car.

"Stop right where you are!" the male officer exclaims using a flashlight on the two men "I'm afraid we're going to have to arrest the two of you."

Lynn Sr. grabs Sergei by the shirt "Sergei, I can't go to jail! Officers, please, I have a wife and kids!"

Sergei covers his mouth to shut him up, and smiles nervously at the officers "And what would be the charges?"

The male officer turns off the flashlight "For not being at Aloha Comrade to whip us up some delicious Kona caviar sandwiches!" the police officer responds. The two officers laugh. Sergei. laughs nervously.

"Laugh, comrade." He whispered to Lynn Sr., who also laughs nervously. As he laughed, it began to rain. The rain washes down the dirt covering the unconscious health inspector. The mudslide causes him to slide down the hill.

"Put that muddy shovel in the truck and we'll give you a ride back." The female officer suggests.

Lynn Sr. is still laughing, until Sergei hits him in the arm, shutting him up. They walk to the back of the car, where Sergei opens the truk. Lynn Sr. puts the shovel inside.

"Lynn, listen carefully." Sergei orders. "We're just getting a lift back to Aloha Comrade. I need you to stay calm and don't lose your cool, understand?"

As his boss is saying this, Lynn Sr. feels something down his feet. He looks down and his eyes widen in shock. He starts shivering "Can I lose my cool now?" he asks frightened.

"Why?"

Lynn Sr. then points to the unconscious body in front of them, and both men scream. Sergei grabs the body and gives it to Lynn Sr.

"Put him in the trunk, comrade! I'll keep the cops busy!" he exclaims.

"What's the holdup back there?" the male officer can be heard.

"Oh God! it's touching me!" Lynn Sr. exclaims in disgust as he is holding the unconscious body. "Get away!"He tosses the body in the trunk and sprays himself with disinfectant, shuddering. The health inspector wakes up again, but Lynn doesn't notice and slams the trunk on him. He turns to see the others "Ok, all set back here." He lies "Nothing unusual about a muddy shovel in the truck." He laughs nervously.

Lynn Sr. and Sergei get in the car, although the former looks uneasy.

"All set" Sergei says confidently, while Lynn Sr. can only shake.

"You ok there, sir?" the female officer asks.

"Oh, he gets carsick real easy." Sergei lies with a nervous smile.

"Well, buckle up and we'll drive real smooth like." The male officer says. He drives off speedily.

During the ride, the two men at the back say nothing, until Sergei turns to his cook with a nervous, almost demented smile.

"Now listen, Loud, when we get to Aloha Comrade, I want you to take that _shovel_," he winks "and bring it around to the back entrance and stuff...er..." he stammers before rephrasing what he means to say "I mean, stow it in the freezer. Un-der-stand?" He stresses.

"I understand, Sergei, but what do you want me to do with the bo..."

Sergei covers Lynn Sr.'s mouth "...ttles of Vodka!" he finishes "Bottles of Vodka, Same thing, put them in the freezer."

The female officer looks at the two men awkwardly. Lynn Sr. and Sergei laugh nervously.

* * *

Once all the adults arrive at Aloha Comrade, Lynn Sr. goes to the back of the restaurant with the unconscious health inspector.

"Ugh! I can't believe I stooped so low! My life was perfect, I already had my dream job, and now I'm an accomplice of a murder!" he laments as he arrives at the back door. He tries the handle on the door, but there is a lock. "The back door is locked! What am I gonna do?!" He then spots an empty box and gets an idea.

Inside, Sergei is talking with the police officers. A while ago, he said something that made them laugh, but while they are laughing, Sergei is sweating, terrified of what would happen if the cops found out about the crime. He can already imagine it: his new life behind bars, his prestige destroyed and his name being mud in the newspapers.

Then, Lynn Sr. comes in with the box labeled "Canned meat". Sergei notices him.

"Hey there, comrade Lynn! I thought you were out back taking care of that **shovel**!" Sergei says, gritting his teeth as he twitches his left eye in anger.

"Well, the back door was locked so I came around here." Lynn Sr. explains, then pushes the box that has the health inspector inside. "So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put this box of canned meat in the kitchen now." Lynn Sr. pushes the box into the kitchen.

"Alright, Comrade Lynn."

"Where'd he get a box of canned meat?" The male officer asks.

Sergei sweats a little "Oh, uh, we had a late delivery today." he fibs lamely. "They just leave our food somewhere outside."

"He's actin' a little funny." The female officer notes.

"Funny? Oh, yeah." Sergei laughs in a forced manner "He's a real cut-up, that one. He knows how to keep the crew in stitches. Good one, comrade! Always on, that one. There's no off on his funny switch." he laughs; Lynn Sr. struggles to push the box with the health inspector in the box as Sergei and the officers look on "Oh, ah, oh stop it! Oh, you're-you're killing me! he laughs as Lynn Sr. is trying to get through a door but the box is too big. In his struggle, he accidentally lets the inspector's arm loose, which he quickly hides inside the box. Sergei, in his desperation, bangs the cash drawer open "Oh! Look, I almost forgot! It's open cash register night! First two customers get all the money in the cash register!" he exclaims as he hands out the money, hoping that his bribe would keep them quiet. Lynn Sr. finally gets the box inside the kitchen.

Then the male officer gets a call on his walkie talkie. He pulls it out "Officer O'Leary here." he says as he listens to someone speaking. He then turns to Sergei "86 those sandwiches, Lagunov. We just got a call about two ghouls burying a stiff at the Royal Woods Cemetary."

This makes Sergei shake with fear as he begins sweating.

"I want a soda." The female officer said.

Sergei immediately gives her one "Here's your soda. Always a pleasure to serve our fellow officers. Well goodbye now."

The officer sips the soda, until she stops and notices something. "Hey, there's no ice."

Sergei sweats nervously. "Ice? Ice? You want ice? Is that what you want? You want ice?" he stutters.

Lynn Sr. suddenly comes up to his boss "The dark deed you requested is done, sir." He says in an ominous voice.

"I'll get it myself." Says the female officer as she begins to head back into the kitchen. "Ice is in the freezer, right?"

Suddenly, Sergei runs back and blocks the freezer. "NO! There's no ice! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!" he exclaims in a crazed tone.

The female officer gives them an annoyed glare "Step aside. You people act like you've committed a murder." She comments, not knowing how right she was.

Sergei starts sweating and trembling, feeling that he would faint at any minute. He couldn't hide the guilt anymore. "Alright, I confess! Loud killed him!" he exclaims pointing to his employee, much to the latter's shock.

"What?! You can't blame **me** for this whole rap! You made me your accomplice!" the Loud patriarch reclaims in outrage at the betrayal.

"He was insane, out of control!" Sergei continues rambling "He would've killed me too if you two hadn't come along!"

"It was all Sergei's idea! He's the criminal mind behind all this!"

"Arrest him now! He's a madman!"

"He wears a nightgown to bed!"

"Wait, I can explain! It's not what you think!"

"What the hell are you two talking about?" The female officer asks, finally losing her patience. At this, the two men pitifully hug her hips.

"We killed the health inspector!" Lynn Sr. confesses. "We buried him, and then stuffed his body in the freezer!" he exclaims, feeling the need to cry.

"You mean in here?" she asks as she opens the freezer. They all look in the freezer, but they see nothing.

"It's empty." Lynn Sr. says, surprised.

"Say, is this some kind of prank?" the female officer asks, unamused.

"Yeah, it's a prank." Sergei said as he went along with it.

Lynn Sr. giggled nervously. "Yeah, that's right. Pure comedy. In fact, I have a daughter who is a comedian."

"Hey, maybe he turned into a zombie and walked out." the female officer says jokingly.

The four of them laugh. Then they hear moaning as someone enters the kitchen. They all turn to see a shadowy figure that appears to be ragged and covered in dirt.

"Aaaah! IT'S THE ZOMBIE!" Lynn Sr. yells in fear.

The figure reaches its hand, and flicks the switch. The light is turned on and the health inspector is seen, looking a bit messy. "Hey, you guys should..."

He was hit with a toaster by the male officer. "Take that, you zombie!"

The inspector slowly rises up moaning in pain, a bump forming in his head.

"I'll take it from here." The female officer says as she hits the inspector with a barrel, knocking him out. "Die, zombie!"

"Good police work, Officer Nancy." her partner compliments. The officers then notice the person more clearly. "Hey, this guy's not a zombie. He's just an ordinary health inspector."

The injured health inspector lifts his head up. "Yes, and at the risk of being hit again, I'd like to present you with this." He says delirious as he shows all of them a note that has the word "pass" on it.

"Hey Sergei, look. We passed the inspection!" Lynn Sr. exclaims in joy and relief.

They all cheer, except for the injured man. They head out of the kitchen.

"Come on everybody! Let's all have a round of free Lynn-sagnas on me!"

"Well, actually no" Sergei adds.

The health inspector crawls out, a bit dazed. "Oh boy, I'd really like lasagna now." he says in a slurred tone, until the door slams in his face.

* * *

Cut back to Lincoln "Well, that's the story. Yes, they were all dumb, weren't they?"

A lightning strikes outside, making Lincoln yelp in fear.

* * *

_1) It's Russian for "son of a bitch"_

_2) Again, Russian for "idiot"_

**Well, as Lincoln said, that's the story. There will be plenty more in the future, all of them based on episodes of different cartoons.**

**And yeah, for this one-shot only, Silas is Sergei's son.**


End file.
